Deja Vu

How come I dare to say such discouraging words for myself?

How come I cannot forgive myself?

How come my ego is that high?

I cheated for the 2nd time in the chinese quiz.

My mind went blank, and suddenly I remembered nothing for that particular question, although I was pretty sure I did my study well the night before. I wrote it for up to 10x, and at that time I totally forgot it?? I was panic and looked at my friend's paper. I was giving up. I asked him, "Hey, do you know the answer of this? I forget it"

He told me the answer, and I was suddenly like getting a light bulb out of my head (with evil inside I think), and quickly jot it down.

The reason of why I am so sad, feel so useless, feel so sinful right now is bcoz this is already the 2nd time for me to fall into the exactly same sin. I have forgiven myself -like what God did to me first- and I promised I would change and would not repeat this sin again. I was successful for 1-2 times after that. Then now I fell again. Oh no, what is this, huh?

God I am so sorry. Really really sorry. I failed to be consistent by my own promises. I have broken the promises. I repeated the sin. God I want to be free. This time, I don't want to waste my time by "unforgiven me" mindset like the 1st time I did this sin. I wasted 2-3 days to forgive myself. Now, I believe You have forgiven me. And I thank You God. At this time, the one that is hard to be forgiven is myself. I haven't forgiven myself. I hate this sin. I don't want to repeat the same thing. God, please listen to my cry, listen to my prayer, listen to my apology. Even God has forgiven me, how come I hardly forgive myself? I am sorry God for discouraging words I said to myself, for those unthankful words. Why? Because I am precious in Your eyes. My past, present, and future sins have already forgiven. Oh no, that was the most "hard to believe" fact. God, I am so so sorry T.T